Last week cable and the internet blessed us with the second coming of Sharknado. And it’s no surprise that the folks at Massaro Restoration were carried away by the hype. The first 10 minutes of our Friday’s marketing meeting was spent discussing this pressing matter. It eventually devolved into us describing our fantasies of Sharknados coming to Pittsburgh.
Look, I don’t need to apologize for a moment of twisted daydreaming. We are a disaster restoration company, and mythical storms are great for business. We have kids in college and mouths to feed, so even an F-2 sized-Shark-twister would put food on the table (not counting the endless supply of shark meat). Speaking of shark meat falling from heaven, for some odd reason when I think of a Sharknado in Pittsburgh, I just imagine there would be lot of pierogi debris. Honestly Sharknado in the Burgh sounds delicious, but I digress.
At Massaro Restoration, we’re very outcome focused, and it wouldn’t have been an effective meeting without concluding by distributing individual action plans. Me, being the super-important, entry level graphics guy, I was tasked with illustrating some type of Sharknado-emergency-escape-death-by-the-skin-of-your-teeth-plan. So you’re welcome.
- Take alternate routes to avoid the overflow from the Mon Warf to the “Parkway Bathtub” both in-bound and out-bound. Those are surely to be shark filled waters.
- If you find yourself at the Strip District you will notice more flying pierogi and bobble head debris than usual, wear appropriate headgear to protect against concussions.
- And wait until next month to buy, “I survived the Pittsburgh Sharknado” tee shirts. The prices are outrageous right now.
- The most horrifying thing of all will be on Route 28. Bottle necked, stand still traffic, flying dust and debris, people screaming for their lives, total chaos, confusion, and gnashing of teeth. Imagine that, but now add a Sharknado.
- If you are at a Pirates game when a Sharknado hits, chanting, “Cue-to!” will not fix the situation. It will only cause Sharknado to drop more sharks from the sky. In fact if you find yourself at any Pittsburgh sporting event, do not boo the Sharknado just because Sharknado used to play for us but his contract expired, and he decided to sign with another team. This is a tornado-full-of-sharks and it has feelings just like any other tornado-full-of-sharks.
- If you find yourself in the Southside on a Friday or Saturday night between 1:00 and 2:00 am, THERE IS NO HOPE. On the plus side, you don’t have to worry about any Sharknados touching down. Even Sharknado is afraid of the Southside after the bars close.
- Finally, after Sharknado subsides and we are eating delicious shark sandwiches for weeks, you’ll undoubtedly have shark damage. Currently Massaro Restoration is the leading shark-property-damage-restoration-professionals in Pittsburgh. Shark damage is a specific service we provide in addition to our main focuses of Fire, Hazmat, Mold, Smoke, Water, and Wind.
Call us for shark emergencies and other property disasters at our 24/7 Emergency Response Hotline 412-599-0023.